A Daily Struggle

23 Jan

Dealing with your weight can be an especially difficult task. Especially for a woman. Every day you’re blasted with stereotypes of tall, beautiful and skinny women on TV, billboards, etc. Well, if you know ANYthing you know that these women are NOT the norm. It is actually completely the opposite, as America fights the huge battle of obesity amongst both adults AND children.

Well if you’ve ready the About Me portion of my blog (if you haven’t you REALLY should…..I’ll wait for you……you done??? No?…..NOW? Ok lets go!), you know my own personal battle with weight. Gaining it, losing it, and keeping it off. It is a battle I still fight. Constantly. I won’t say that every day is a battle because there are times where I feel confidently in control of my weight, my looks and my future. I can even go a couple weeks at at time without feeling like my nutrition or workouts are a challenge (If you think a couple weeks doesn’t seem long than you’ve never truly struggled with your weight). They’re just innately ME now. If I’m lucky that’ll sometimes happen for MONTHS at a time. BUT there are periods of times where it is MUCH harder than others.

pride

For me, the holidays and January have been that time. As always, the holidays are filled with gatherings of friends and family. LOTS of food and drinks. Its a continuous party. And while I tried hard to stay SOMEWHAT healthy (and I mean by upping the mileage I was running and workouts) I wasn’t so good on the eating side. But this is part of the battle I struggle with. Feeling like I can enjoy my life, my friends and family and not like I need to weigh every piece of food or drink I put into my body. I look at friends and family carry on and eat the things I want and I’m jealous that they don’t seem to be plagued by the guilt I have when I eat something that isn’t healthy.

I know that most likely they do struggle with it somewhat, but it doesn’t seem to be the excruciating struggle that goes on inside me. When I eat something I know isn’t healthy it spurns thoughts of ‘You’re going to get fat again,’ ‘You won’t be able to stop,’ ‘Why are you giving up everything you’ve worked so hard for.’ And so on and so forth. I feel like crap, and then that changes the way I hold my head up, and the reflection I see in the mirror.

When I’ve eaten poorly I look in the mirror and see the woman who was SERIOUSLY overweight. Even though I know its not actually what is there. It is the opposite of how I used to see myself. When I was overweight, I’d look and know I was overweight, but would somehow see someone that wasn’t nearly as bad as it really was. Body Distortion. I know it. And I am working on how to deal with overcoming it.

dont give up

BUT its a struggle. Sometimes the downward spiral, emotional eating, etc., last for only a day…but then there are times when it gets into 4-5 days….not eating poorly the WHOLE day, but having the moments of weakness where I let into the cravings. And all I can think about is how much I hate myself for giving in. How weak I am. How I should be stronger. I think of how utterly damaged I am…that I can let this thing have SO MUCH power over me. I recognize now when I’m in one of these spirals, and I KNOW it will pass….but while I’m in it sometimes its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

After having just come out of one of these periods I’m looking forward and figuring out HOW to be stronger. Because I’m in CHARGE of my own thoughts. I’m in CHARGE of how I feel and what I see. And I CHOOSE to be happy and to continuously work towards a happier me. A me that knows the farther out I am from my unhappy times the easier it will be to just live and breathe and not ALWAYS think about my weight.

So what about you? Do you choose happiness? 
in charge

 

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